I'm still alive!

So both K. Pho and Sapphire mentioned that I should update my blogs on two completely separate occasions within 10 mins of each other. Soooo .... I take that as a sign that I should update my blog. That and the fact that it has been about 6 months and numerous, hilarious things have occurred.

That being said, I'm going to leave a lot of things out (so sorry). But hey, shoulda been there. I'm gonna cover the major topics. Um let's see. Went home for 3 weeks. Wunderwoman got married. Yay! Worked some football camps down in The Swamp. Mini Pumpkinseed family reunion in O-town. Then back to Norfolk for a day in preparation for the event that will occupy the majority of this post.

The National Certified Superhero Convention. It moves around every year and this year it was in Philadelphia (born and raised, on the playground is where I spent most of my days, chillin out, maxin, relaxin, cool and all, shootin some b-ball outside of a school ...). Boy was this a crazy trip. I mean a great networking opportunity. We were there a total 5 days but man it seemed longer. It's best to attack it day by day.

Day 1: So ya girl, J. Pumpkinseed, Certified Superhero rode up and stayed with 3 of my fellow certified superheroes: Sapphire (duh), B-Line, and Ridin Dirty. Took us forever to get there. When we finally got there, we checked into the Sheraton City Center. Shoutout to Candace the girl at the front desk for the hookup on parking. Blah, blah, blah. So what was special about Day 1? For the 2nd time in the past six months (the previous occasion was totally blogworthy but I forgot. So sue me. Shoulda been there) I was accosted by a bum (homeless person, streetwalker, etc if u wanna be PC. I don't, you'll see why) in a public place. We were in a bar speakin to some homies when I accidently made eye contact (stupid) with this bum. So of course he comes over to talk to Cam Jansen (oh yeah, Cam Jansen was there) and me. He starts by telling us that his name is Mr. Tony and he is a multimillion dollar tycoon. He's a celebrity which he proved by handing out flyers of himself from his own magical plastic bag. He is also an entertainer and dancer. So naturally I challenge him to a dance-off. Now he has some decent footwork for a dude his age but not good enough to make money off of. Sapphire sees all of this and naturally wants to immortalize the moment by taking a picture. So she starts snappin pics and when Mr. Tony sees this he goes over to his bag and pulls out his own Kodak disposable camera and starts snappin pics too. So dude asks us to watch his bag while he goes to the bathroom (yeah cuz ppl in the bar are gonna steal the contents of your smelly plastic bag). When he comes back, (Afterthought: I wonder if he washed his hands) he shows us these bus tix for all these cities along the east coast and says he's goin on tour. Legit bus tix. The real deal ... oh wait. Hold up. What's today's date? June 22nd. Hmm. All of these tix are dated June 21st. Umm. Me: "Mr. Tony these tix are all dated yesterday. I don't think u can use them anymore." Mr. Tony: "I can use them whenever I want!" ... Ok. Note to self: Don't mention his tix. So then it got weird. (Yes, THEN, it got weird).
Mr. Tony: Can I have your number? I think ur my soulmate. Please keep in mind this is a old, smelly, black man.
Me: Um, your soulmate? What makes you say that?
Mr. Tony: Well you talked to me, you watched my stuff for me while I went to the bathroom, and we have the same nose.
Me: ... We do not have the same nose.
Mr. Tony: Yes we do. (We don't) Dude then pulls out his cell phone. I honestly did not expect him to have one.
Me: I don't give my number out to strangers.
Mr. Tony: Well let me buy u a drink then. He has $12! Richest bum I know.
Me: No. I'm good.
At this point I am saved by one of my fellow certified superheros: This is our friend. Go away!

Yeah. Accosted by a bum. In a public place. Day one.

Days 2-5: A blur. Hmm. Let me hit the hi points:

• We partied in the VIP a couple nights.
• Gators went to the national quiz bowl. Didn't win. Gotta give other schools some hope.
• Sapphire made $14 dancing on the bar
• Ridin Dirty stayed out til 5 multiple nights and somehow made it back to our room every night.
• Ridin Dirty saved B-Line's life. As Ridin Dirty was comin in late one night, she passed B-Line in the hallway who, in her sleep, was making a B-Line for the elevator. Somehow she got B-Line back into the room. However, B-Line woke me up, got me to get out of my bed and immediately took my spot! U know I was heated. However, Ridin Dirty was able to convince me to just take B-Line's spot. And all was right in the world.
• Met and argued with several cab drivers.
• Saw a car-boat.
  
• Had a lady watch us as we filled our water cups.
• Sapphire made socks out of tape. And wore them in public.
• K. Pho fell in love with a waitress at a pizza joint. And named her Sophie.

And finally, one of the best parts of the trip came on the ride home. If you have not played the Burger King Crown Game (YES THERE'S A GAME. Follow the rules!) STOP WHAT UR DOING! I mean it. Seriously. Do your life a favor and drive to your nearest BK. And ask for a crown. If you dare. Believe me, it will be worth the time u waste. I'm not gonna get into it. You need to experience it yourself. I will say that it just might be the most fun and hardest laughs I've had in a while.

So yeah, that's what you've been missing out on. This post took a lot longer than I anticipated. Expect another soon. Oh and if ur drivin down Military Highway and a dude stares into u car, it's not because there's 4 girls in the car or u have dark tint. It's because he thinks ur ridin dirty.

I'm Baaaaaaaaack!!!

Sooo ... It's been a while. Happy Halloween!!! Happy Birthday!!! Happy Thanksgiving!!! Merry Christmas!!! Happy New Year!!! I know, I know, it's been like 1,2,3, months. Cam Jansen and Sapphire have been on my back big time. I'm sorry. A thousand apologies. A lot had happened over the past couple months. The life of a certified superhero can get somewhat busy and that's my excuse (Take it or leave it. Really doesn't matter if you accept it or not. You're still gonna have to deal with it.) But I'm back and that's all that matters. Suckaaaaaas.

Seeing how there's been a big 3-month gap, it's safe to say that a lot has happened. Obviously, i can't escape the randomness. I'm got gonna be able to talk about everything so i'm gonna just touch on the big stuff that I can remember.

Halloween: Yours truly, J. Pumpkinseed Certified Superhero, Sapphire, K. Pho, and Brawf decided to dress up as tetris pieces. Not only did we create interchangeable, multidirectional (that's right, multidirectional) tetris costumes, but we also found the appropriate accompanying tetris theme music. Now there's a video out there depicting this classic scene but i'm not gonna post it here. You gotta work for it. Think of it as your own little real life case of Where's Waldo. Go! (Actually, i don't know how to do it).

J. Pumpkinseed Day: Ya girl turned 23 this year. (and by this year i mean last year, 2009. Stop harping on the fact that i've been gone for so long.) I'm just gonna put it this way: I should not be allowed to go to ihop at 2 in the morning after consuming a moderate amount of alcohol. Especially not dressed as a tetris piece. And i also shouldn't attempt to "whisper" across the table about a dude at the next table staring at me. Said dude may or may not get angry when he hears me talking about said big head. Good times ...

Thanksgiving: Due to my certified superhero duties, I was unable to return home to the Huxtable brownstone. However, before embarking on my Spartan voyage, a few of my fellow certified superheroes, prepared a fantastic Thanksgiving feast. I made the Green Bean Casserole (by I, i really mean Sapphire made it while i was at work)!!! So, if u know me or anything about my infamous Holiday Food Facebook albums, you would know that I would never have a picture of green bean casserole in there. In other words, my Thanksgiving was of the Caucasian Persuasion. Now I know we black folks pride ourselves on throwin down in the kitchen however ... White folks can get down too! And my (Sapphire's) green bean casserole was actually really good. I see why white people love it so much.

Christmas: Finally got to go back home for a week. Then spent a couple days up in Gangstaville with Curry Chicken and the Cutest Team in the SEC. Then back to Trigga City and the Huxtable brownstone. You know what I realized? Not to take anything away from Heathcliff, Claire, and LilBruh but I really missed my dog Zeus (Yeah that's his real name. He lacks an alias not because my creative juices ran dry, but because he's a dog and therefore anonymity is unneccesary. Duh.) It was short and sweet but highly necessary.

New Years: Didn't do anything for new year's eve. It was actually very boring. I had just gotten back from a WONDERFUL (sarcasm) trip to Lake Charles, LA, AKA the Middle of Nowhere. Yay, it's 2010 ...

Ok, so I've finally reached the year 2010. And of course a lot of randomness has already occured.
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- So Sapphire and I got home and decided that it was time to finally take down our Christmas tree. Of course we waited for K.Pho to get here so he could use his manliness to take the tree downstairs for us. After we undecorated? dedecorated? unornamented? dedecorated? our tree, we had to figure our where to put it. Now I can't take credit for what happened next but it went a little something like this:

K.Pho (jokingly): We should put it in the back of my truck and throw it in the front yard of the Mansion. Haha.
[Sapphire gets a devilish look on her face and a mischievous grin].

Sapphire: Let's do it!

Me: Ok.

And we took that Christmas tree and we put it in the back of K.Pho's truck as he rode in the back. And we pulled up to the mansion and K.Pho used his ninja skills to stealthily jump out of the truck bed and put that tree in the middle of the Mansion's front yard. Everything went perfectly. We even came up with the perfect back story to accompany it. And it has worked perfectly until this day. I wonder how long it will take them to find this. Guess they should read my blog more often, huh?

*As a side note: Sapphire really likes decorating and we were going to decorate the house for MLK day (The next holiday) but unfortunately, the decoration manufacturers do not share our enthusiasm for this holiday. So, long story short, we couldn't do it, but best believe that we would if we could. That's ok, Black History Month is in a couple weeks.

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The attic dwelling tree rats have struck again! For several days there was a squirrel-sized hole in our sunroom. How do I know that it was squirrel-sized you say? Well probably due to the fact that one of those damn tree rats put it there! That's right! A tree rat punched a hole through our wall!!! Into our house! Wtf?! Now, I'm takin it personal. These lil SOBs have taken it waaaaay to far! We got the traps out there now. People are now, no longer calling our place the Penthouse but the Treehouse. o_o <----- Straightface = not funny. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

This would not be a complete blog post without Quotes from Sparta. The following conversation took place between me and a Spartan basketball player:
Spartan: I hate having to do this.
Me: Do what?
Spartan: I gotta take this girl to get a pill. Do you have any pills back there?
Me: What pill?
Spartan: The morning after pill.
Me: Nah. We don't have those.
Spartan: Man, I hate getting these things, they're expensive.
Me: Maybe you should use protection then. Wear a condom.
Spartan: I do. I always do.
Me: What? Then why do you need to buy the pill?
Spartan: I always do. Every time I have sex with a girl. I just want to be extra careful.
Me: What?! That makes no sense. So wait, do these girls know this before hand?
Spartan: No. That would ruin the mood. I don't tell them until afterwards. They always agree and sometimes the even go half with me.
Me: Oh hell no! So what if you're in a relationship with a girl? Would you still make her do that?
Spartan: Yeah. Unless we were about to get engaged or something. Then I just wouldn't wear one or something. Oh wait! Is it bad for a girl to take more than one of those pills?
Me: Are you asking me if it's bad for a girl to unnecessarily take multiple morning-after pills over a long period of time?
Spartan: Yeah.
Me: Well it definitely can't be good for her.
Spartan: Oh.

Yes, ladies and gentleman, that really happened. I'm telling you that I can't make this stuff up.

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A couple YouTube links you should see:
- Real creative chick. Kinda reminds me of myself if i could rap. or sing. LoL.

http://www.youtube.com/user/tracema#p/a/0FAF25D86601975C/2/gwEezfM3t58

- This next one has a back story that you need to know. Sapphire showed me this one. So this dude is trippin out on acid. His friends decided to put him in the closet by himself. That is what the following video is the conversation that he has with himself. They used a lizard to represent the guy and animate the background but this is actually a dude tripping out. Don't do acid kiddies.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skCV2L0c6K0

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Finally time for shoutouts:
-Big ups to Cam Jansen (sign her cast) and Sapphire for stayin on my butt and finally getting me to update this thing. I promise i'll try to keep it updated more often.
- Shoutout to #1 and Curry Chicken for taking me to Steak n Shake in Daytona.
- Shout out to Malia, my unofficial 4th roomie. You are missed.
- Shoutout to Deuce and Madu cause even tho ur hundreds of miles away, u still make me laugh everyday.

I'm a Mac

*This is gonna be quick. I gotta leave for work soon.*

Great news peeps! I finally got a new laptop (Thank you Jesus!). Made the big move from a PC to a Mac. And to all my PC ppl out there, I'll admit that although I was pretty hesitant to it at first, I'm glad I did it. My wallet prolly wishes i got a PC but that's a whole nother story for a whole nother blog post (that most likely won't ever happen cuz i don't need ya'll in my pocket like that). But yeah, ur girl got a new computer. Life is good.

Quotes from Sparta:

Me (to player before game): It's cold outside. U not gonna wear gloves?
Player: Girl! I'm a man, not a boy! I don't need no gloves!
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Before the battle against Troy (cross town rival school. See what I did there? Try to keep up peeps. Read a book.) me and my fellow superheroes are in the locker room bringing the soldiers some water. There's a lot of laughter in there and one of the Coaches doesn't like this.

Coach: Hey! I ain't never killed a b*tch. But I d*mn sure know that if I was gonna kill a b*tch, 30 mins before I was gonna do it, I wouldn't be laughing and kee-keeing!
******************************************************************

Last thing. LilBruh put me on this so I'll give credit where credit is due. There's this dude on You Tube called Mr. Chi-City. Dude has a bunch of videos that I think are hilarious. Gotta check out the Man vs. Bug video and the Christmas Giveaway. Ooh. Also the one about the fridge too. Plus he has a bunch more. Not gonna lie, they're pretty long but so are a lot of my posts. So if u can read one of my posts, u can watch some of his videos.

So that's all for now peeps. Next time I'm gonna post some songs and stuff like that. Haven't done that in a minute and now that I have a good computer, i can finally get some good music. Stay warm peeps. This is J. Pumpkinseed, Certified Superhero signing off from the top of Ice Mountain with 5 parkas, 3 pairs of pants, some uggs, and a hot pocket. (<--- No idea where that came from).

More Tree Rats, Updates from Sparta & Shoutouts

Sooo, i came home to a houseful of flies about 3 days ago. Seriously, about 100 flies swarming around Sapphire when I got home. I guess the maggots that the pest guy warned us about finally hatched. Disgusting. I been calling what I thought was my landlord's cell phone but was told that it was actually his home phone (Claire thinks its a lie. She says that's really the cell phone cuz she called it once and he said he was away. Plus he gave us the number on the back of his card. Wtf?). Anywho, they say there's nothing they can do and that we need to wait it out. Well all the flies are dead now. Thanks in large part to Sapphire's super fly-killing skills. I seen another tree rat pickin leaves out a tree and climbing into the house. I even seen him pick a leaf, climb halfway up the wall, come back down, drop the leaf, and pick a better one before climbing back up the house. If the landlord don't stop trippin, Imma show up at the leasing office (a 30 min drive w/o traffic) and tell him to come chill in my place for an hour and see how he feels.



Updates from Sparta:

- Speaking of tree rats, we have a squirrel in the Sparta Certified Superhero HQ. They're crawling around in the ceiling throwing insulation down. Of course ...

- One of our football players was actin like a real "female dog" today. Please tell me if u disagree:

Player (sweating profusely): Do u have a towel?

Me: No.

Player (w/Attitude): Man! Where the other f**kin trainers at?

Me: We don't carry towels so it doesn't matter. Ask [Manager]

Player (yelling across the field) : [Manager]! [Manager]! Man bring the towel over here!

[Manager tells him to hold on cuz he's talkin to someone.]

Me: Man do u need a towel that bad?

Player: Yeah my sweat is gettin in my eyes.

[I start looking thru my utility belt for some gauze.]

Player: I can't believe this s***! Don't nobody wanna do their job.

[Instantly, I stop searching and could care less if he went completely blind at that moment.]

[Player goes in to participate in the play].

Me (to Teammate): Dang. Is he on his period?

[Manager comes to sideline and places the towel on the sideline].

[Player comes back to sideline. Snatches towel up, wipes face, and throws it onto the water bottles.]

Me: Wow really? He's actin like a girl on her period. (To injured player): Don't drop the soap.

I really had to restrain myself because I was super tempted to ask him if he needed a tampon.

Anyway, I do know some cool athletes ...

I gotta shoutout 3 of my favorite ball players:

Jamaica's Next Top Model - Playin international ball in Spain. Espero que estar practicando su espanol.

Lottie Dottie - Playin international ball in Israel. Double doubles already? Ridiculous!

Peter Parker - Playin international ball in Turkey. Apparently the only person in Turkey with dreads. Represent!

Ok peeps. I'm out. Not without leaving u with a disgusting new invention that I just learned about courtesy of Bravo. Three words ppl: placenta teddy bears. Mmmm .... Enjoy. http://blogs.babble.com/strollerderby/2009/10/01/placenta-teddy-bear-so-snuggly/

Attic Dwelling Tree Rats

Sooo, its been a while since something really strange has happened at The Penthouse (Formerly The Deuce). Which of course means that Sapphire and I were long overdue.

Day 1: So about two weeks ago, I came home from work to find a few flies inside the house. Annoying but no big deal. Killed a few, did some homework, and called it a day.

Day 2: The next day, I woke up and went to work then class. When I got home I was met with a rather unpleasant odor and the flies had multiplied exponentially. I was greeted at the top of the stairs by Sapphire who was not feelin the smell either. I'm talkin about 20-30 flies flying around the place. Major Problem. So we start walking around, looking for a source for the smell and the flies. It seemed like the smell was worse in our front porch room. And the flies were everywhere. It was evident that something had died. We looked all over the house and decided that it must be in the attic. We live in a nice neighborhood and there are a lot of squirrels crawling around outside so I assumed that's what it was.
Sapphire, being much braver than me, decided to go up in the attic and see if the smell was worse up there. She opened the door and crawled up the ladder to go up in the attic and before she even stepped foot in there she made a strange discovery. Next to the ladder was an apple, an empty water bottle, and some flowers. Oh hell to the naw. She hurried down the ladder and looked at me with confusion on her face. Well u know I wasn't bout to crawl up there. Given our luck, we very well could have a squatter in our attic.
In order to get rid of the flies, we decided to make an emergency trip to Walmart. We were up in Walmart gettin whatever we could to get rid of the flies. Not only were they super annoying, but they made it hard to concentrate and as a professional procrastinator I of course had an assignment due the next day. We bought a bunch of air fresheners and fly tape. We wanted one of those electrical fly zappers but of course they didn't have one. Turned out that the fly tape was useless anyway but I digress.
On our way back we called up some of our male classmates, E-Newt and Banana Republic to come check the attic for us and make sure that there wasn't a squatter in the attic. When we got home we were also met by K. Pho who needed to use our wireless. Long story short, all 3 guys ended up in our attic. They made several interesting discoveries: 1) No squatter. 2) The apple was a fake Christmas decoration. 3) There was also a single crutch and typewriter up there. 4) The smell was definitely stronger up in the attic. 5) Rat poop. At the mention of rat poop, Sapphire immediately called the landlord's office and left a message about the situation.

Day 3: Of course they didn't return the phone call so I called again and they sent the smelly handyman to our house. According to Sapphire, he searched the attic and didn't find anything but said that there was definitely something dead up there. Uh, no duh. By now, our place smelled so bad we had to close off certain rooms to keep the smell secluded to certain rooms and not contaminate the rest of the house. But it still smelled awful. And now the kitchen smelled the worst. The handyman basically just told us that we'd have to live with it cuz there was nothing he could do. Not cool. So I decided to call up the landlord that night on his personal cell phone and talk to him personally. Naturally he didn't answer but I left him a nice little message. The next morning I got a phone call from a pest removal guy.

Day 4: The pest removal guy went up in the attic and almost immediately found the culprit: a dead squirrel. Or as I like to call him, The Attic Dwelling Tree Rat. He deoderized the area (directly above the kitchen) in the attic and in the kitchen. Basically, what happened was that somehow the squirrel got up into the attic and couldn't get out so he died. And the rotting body formed maggots which is where the flies came from. He set some traps up outside the house and was able to find 4 more squirrels and keep them out of the house.

So, the house doesn't really smell anymore and all the flies are gone. Just another crazy day in VA. I'm seriously starting to think that the City of Norfolk hates me. I already don't get along with squirrels. K. Pho was over here the other night and he said that he thought he heard something crawling around either in the ceiling or between the walls. Probably another squirrel. Great. Sometimes I wish I made this stuff up ...

Updates from Sparta

A thousand apologies blog. I have forsaken you. It has been almost 3 weeks since my last entry. Of course that doesn't mean that the randomness has ceased.

Updates from Sparta:

1) Ferrari bit it hard at practice by stepping in a hole. A hole that she knew was there. After watching me remove the crate that we use to cover the hole everyday. Classic lateral ankle sprain. I laughed for a good 10 mins straight about it. EPIC FAIL! (What does that really mean? Why do ppl say that? Why did I just say that?).

2) Cam Jansen got trucked in practice about a week and a half ago. She wasn't paying attention to the play and standing behind one of the coaches. When the play came towards them, the coach stepped outta the way and Cam was run over by one of our WRs. Unfortunately, although we were both at practice neither Ferrari nor I were able to witness this glorious event with our own eyes. Maybe next time.

Moral of the story: It ain't easy being a certified superhero so u better keep ur head on a swivel. (Shoutout to Petey V for teaching me that).

Speaking of Cam Jansen, I think this individual has earned herself a special section in the Dread Thread. She and I go back and forth all of the time and it's usually pretty funny. Here's a little taste. We'll call it:

Cam Jansen's Clicks

Cam: Sorry I missed ur call. My phone was on vibrate.
Me: Don't let it happen again. next time u get excommunicated and we vote u off the island.
Cam: LoL. Ain't no one puttin out my torch. Put that in ur blog and smoke it.
Me: LoL. That was a good one.
Cam: I thought so. I was proud.
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Cam: Can u see that the whirlpool gets filled today? One of my athletes needs to use it.
Me: Idk Cam. I just get so busy sometimes. I might be doing something more important like counting my dreads. If I get done early I might be able to fit that in.
Cam: Anyone ever tell you ur an ass?
Me: Pretty much on a daily basis. Not so much in words. Mostly just in looks.
Cam: LoL. Thanks for being so obliged to my request.
Me: No problem. My ppl have been doin ur ppl favors for hundreds of years. LoL.
Cam: Oh lordy. Shut ur yap. LoL
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Me: Any suggestions on where to go out tonight?
Cam: Baxter's is a nice casual sports bar place.
Me: Ok thankx Cam.
Cam: Last time I was in Baxter's I got in a fight. LoL. U better do me proud.
Me: No problem. I need something to spice up the blog anyway.
Cam: I have like a 90% chance of getting in a scuffle tonight too. This should be interesting.
Me: LoL. Well if u need me just give the bird call and I'll be there in 5.
Cam: Who's gonna let you out of ur night shackles?
Me: LoL. That's a good one. Especially considering I didn't tell u how they had me shackled to the BTE Evaluator in class.
Cam: Hahahahaha. Slavery has expanded to motion analysis.
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Me: We're on our way downtown. Which place are u closer to?
Cam: I'm at an ODU house party. I'm not bar-ing it.
Me: Oh ok. We thought u were gonna come meet up. Such a disappointment Cam.
Cam: I know. I have friends outside of ODU AT :)
Me: LMAO! Ur hilarious. Well when I make some black friends I'll try to pencil u in.
Cam: Hahahahah.

VMAs

Sooo apparently, with all of the malarkey that happened at MTV's VMAs, it was assumed that I would have a new post in response. Sorry peeps. I'm a little late but I do have an opinion. I'm Arbor Misting it up right now so here comes the list:

1) First off, the MJ tribute was good. The Madonna intro was nice but a little weird. I feel like what she said was genuine but at the same time, I got the feeling that she didn't know him that well. They prolly coulda found someone else to do it. Diana Ross maybe? The dancing was straight but there were some major missing key components. No moonwalk, no Thriller moves. Those are kinda staples in an MJ performance. Janet's performance was the best of the night simply because she showed up. That musta been really hard for her. And she killed it. The side by side dancing with the video was a great idea. I only wish they had made more songs together.

2) Ok. So, Kanye West has officially lost his mind. If it's necessary for me to tell u what happened, then u must live under a rock. Imma need u to have some other news outlet for current events other than my blog. Now anytime a black person does something stupid they will not be referred to as a *n word* but a "Kanye." Seriously, that had nothing to do with him and how dare he take that little girl's moment. U done set black ppl back 200 years. Back to slavery. Where's my shackles? Yes'm massa. I's a good slave! Imma gonna pick this cotton for u reals good massa! *Speaking of slavery, I'm getting paid tomorrow! Been working for free the past month and a half.* Anyway, back to Kanye. I heard dude was drinkin a bottle of Hennessey on the red carpet. And do u think it dawned on him what effect his actions would have on his relationship with Jay-Z? I mean, Beyonce is his wife. Plus he represents a brand. Puts Roc-A-Fella in a real bad look. Heard he got kicked out of the award show for that. Good for u MTV. I would say good look but u did put the idiot in the front row ...

3) Speaking of Jay-Z, thought his performance was a lil overhyped. It was good but not great. Alicia Keys makes that song. Without her it's not a single. It's not a jam. It's prolly put on the end of the album where u can skip over it to get to the good songs. She makes the song. But back to the performance. It was decent. And somewhat normal. That is until LiL Mama made an appearance. This loser decided to jump up onstage at the end of the performance, UNINVITED, and join Jay and Alicia Keys. Jay sees her and even tries to get her to fall back by patting her leg. He even tells her that she's T-Paining. She looks him dead in the face and stays there. Then has the audacity to pose at the end of the song. Triflin heffa! I guess she thought she was entitle to make an appearance simply because she's from the Bronx. **Breaking News: NOBODY CARES WHERE YOU'RE FROM LIL MAMA!**

4) As far as the rest of the show: Beyonce's performance was okay. She's done better. Basically just copied the video and added like 5 million back up dancers. Pink's performance was hot! Singing while flipping thru the air? Ok, lip syncing while flipping thru the air? That's not something u can just go over during rehearsal. That takes some time. Tight work. Green Day? Typical Green Day performance. It was good. I like them. That's right, I like a rock band.

5) Of course I gotta talk about Lady Gaga. I'll admit I'm not a huge fan. When her performance came on I was only half paying attn. I was watching and I saw her in a white wedding dress which immediately made me thing of Madonna so I looked away. I look back and all of a sudden she's covered in blood. Wtf? Did I miss something? Where did the blood come from? And I gotta address the outfits. Or should I say costumes? Everything she had on was ridiculous. The red outfit she had on was crazy. She had to take the mask off just so she could see the mic for her acceptance speech. Reminded me of a used feminine product. Then she replaced it with a white bird's nest around her face. That being said, me and everyone else are sitting here talking about it so mission accomplished. The way I see it: Dare to be different. But be daring when u do it differently.

6) Russell Brand sucks as a host. Idk why they invited him back. I don't get his humor. He's corny. That's it. He doesn't get a paragraph.

So there's my VMA review. Happy now?

Totally unrelated topic. Had a convo with Heathcliff today. It went a little something like this:

Me: Hey, Dad. I got ur voicemail.
Heathcliff: Yeah I was just calling. I was thinking bout u and ur brother.
Me: Aww. Dad u miss us.
Heathcliff: Of course I do. Ur my kids. But then I laugh and have a great day.


Uhhh ... Thanks dad.